From Suicide to Thrive
Oct 16, 2019
I was 22 years old and newly married to Rambo ( he loved watching Rambo movies so, he is Rambo for this story). I wanted to get out of my parents home and I yearned to start my own family. I believed in fairy tales, I wanted my very own Prince! We married after knowing each other a couple of months, but marriage was not what I thought!
Rambo was at work all the time and when he came home, he went straight to the T.V. with no conversation. I fell into depression. I new nothing about how to be in relationship.
One stormy day, I was sitting on the toilet lid with the door closed. Rambo was gone at work. I was so depressed, I felt trapped in a marriage I wanted out of! All I could think of was ending my life. As I took out a razor and held it to wrist I was shaking. I could not do it. I saw no other way out. I did not want to go back home to Mom and Dad.
Somehow I had to find another way. Something deep inside me would not allow me to harm myself. I put the razor down and walked away.
I did not have the resources that I needed to get out of my depression. I had no idea there was support for me.
I thought once I was married my whole life would magically change. I could live the way I wanted to live. It had been so long since I even asked myself what I really wanted for my life. I started to plan my escape from my marriage.
I was in the habit of looking to someone outside of myself for answers. I went back to my Mom.
Let me take you back in time to my 5 year old, she holds the root cause of my dilemma.
My Mom became one of Jehovah’s Witnesses when I was 5 years old. She read to me stories with terrifying pictures of a 6 headed lion beast with horns and growling. The 6 headed beast was from the Revelations. In my childlike mind I saw the picture and thought it was demons. That beast came to me in my nightmares, terrifying me.
I would wake in the middle of the night screaming.
One night my father came in when I was awakened by a vivid nightmare. When my father came in to check on me, he put his hand tightly over my mouth and blocked my nose so I could not breath. He whispered in my ear: ”Don't you dare make another sound or you will get it!” I felt his rage. In that moment I froze, I went into shock and disassociated. I had no doubt that he could suffocate me. It was dark, I did not think it was my Dad, I thought it was a demon threatening me.
It could not be my Dad, he was the play monster in the family!
My Mom let me sleep in bed with them sometimes. When I was in their bed I slept soundly. At times when I was told to go to my own bed, I would sneak on all fours to lay next to my Mom’s side of the bed, curl up on the ground with no pillow and blanket and sleep soundly there.
When I grew older, I discovered men wanted to be with me, so I saw a way out of my nightmares. I found peace when I had a man in bed with me. I was attracting men with hot tempers and drug addicts. That terrified me even more when that man who I was relying on for comfort turned on me. They reminded me of my relationship with my Dad, one moment we are playing and having a great time, the next moment I am in big trouble and being threatened.
I started to see a Therapist at 15 years old, she gave me guidance one day to ask both of my parents how they were raised as children. They were both very open to sharing. I found out how challenging it was for them. I had compassion for them. It made sense that they passed down to me what they learned.
When I met Rambo we were drinking together. I knew how he was raised, Rambo had a rage-filled Mother and Father. They were cold and distant. He never went to see his Dad. I married a repeat of my family dynamics.
When I finally left the marriage, 5 years later, I was depressed that I would never have the dream family I yearned for. I started to read a book about codependency behavior. I found a good therapist, support groups and a sponsor to help me work a 12 step program. I tried to get support from the religion I was raised in, but they did not have the resources.
Through my research I found a quiz on codependency, I had most of the symptoms.
Going to Coda 12 Step meetings helped in the beginning, but then I grew and yearned for deeper Spiritual work. That is when I found the local Native Indians, the Miwoks.
They gave me a path that took me deep inside, with Shamanic Drum Journeys.
I found my Spirit Animals, Rabbit, Crow and Wolf
I took home a Drum Journey CD and I could do it alone and find answers within.
What a relief it was to find others who have been through dark times, who have found a way to rise up and shine their light.
You can start asking yourself questions to open up possibilities for yourself.
I have developed questions that will help you go within:
- Are you struggling with childhood trauma?
- Do you know where to get the resources that you need?
- Are you looking for a Spiritual path that works?
- Are you depressed?
- Do you have anyone that you can turn to?
If you are in your darkest night of the Soul, there are some simple ways to get through it, one second at a time.
Make a decision not to act on it, just for today.
No one is pressuring you to make a drastic decision right now. You can sit still and take a deep breath. Take your next step when your mind is clear and you feel calm.
Remember: You may feel alone, but there are other people who have been where you are.
I have been there and done that!
Listen to those who have been there and have come out thriving!
Those are the ones who will give you a glimmer of light at the end of your dark tunnel.
Take one step at a time. Take baby steps moving forward in your life.
The fog will begin to lift and the sunshine of your own light will warm your Soul.
Go to a book store and allow yourself to be guided to a book that is perfect for you at this time.
It took me time to develop this muscle, I can walk into a book store and my feet will take me directly to where the book that I need is!
We all have this gift, it’s called following your intuition.
Trust that you do have a wise self within you.
We have all been conditioned to belief that answers are outside of you. If what your reading in a book guides you to trust yourself, you have found a good book that will empower you.
Books that give you guidance to only listen to the Master, Teacher or Organization are just prepping you to be a follower. You are done being a follower!
- Build your Confidence
- Make choices that you feel good about
- Make them small at first
- I’m going to brush my teeth. Great choice!
- I’m going to take a walk in nature! Amazing choice!
- I’m going to read something that inspires me! Wonderful choice!
- Acknowledge yourself for every little baby step!
- This will build your confidence in yourself
My absolute favorite recommendation is to “try on something new”.
- Get on Meetup and find a local group that takes hikes or walks in nature.
- Walking in nature is healing, calming and soothing.
- Take Yoga classes. Go to beginners Yoga and Gentle Yin Yoga.
- Go to a Mindfulness Class.
- Learn to meditate.
- Get a Reiki Session.
- Go to a POW-WOW.
- See a Somatic Therapist
- Go to a Coda 12 Step meeting
If you don’t resonate with the book, meetup, therapist or support group, give yourself permission to LEAVE!
I treat it like a Spiritual Buffet. Take what works and leave the rest!
Only take from the experience what works for you.
Ultimately you have been given the Divine right to rule your own world.
You are Sovereign. You have free will.
I understand where you are, I have been there myself.
I offer my support by cell or email, your choice.
Service is my passion, I am here to support you.
Lynetta Ann Avery