Making Love for the First Time
Nov 03, 2019
My husband Mark and I have been married almost 5 years. Yet, we just made love for the first time!
We have been sexually intimate before. But, I was never fully present until today.
As Mark and I were about to make love this morning, I felt a twinge deep inside. My irritation meter was going off! 😠
When I get irritated, it's always because of unresolved hurt from the past. So we put on our healing hats and did some digging together.
I realized I still had anger and irritation from agreements we had at the beginning of our relationship when we were poly.
I had been taught by my mother that I had to keep my man sexually satisfied, no matter what!
I also thought I needed to be "Enlightened" about polyamory and open relationships.
I realize now that even though there was full consent of everyone, I had buried resentments.
Mark and I have both been coaches and healers for a long time. We know the difference between an emotional trigger and the source of emotional distress. So together, we dove deep down to find the root cause of my distress.
Before Mark, I chose men that did not see my full greatness; they wanted to use me for whatever they could get.
So I let men 'use' me and buried my resentments until I could not take it anymore. Then I packed it up and left.
For many years I blamed each man as the 'bad guy'. Then I was confronted by the truth.
Every relationship had one thing in common, ME! 😲 There had to be something in me that was causing these heartbreaking relationships.
I started to take responsibility by going to workshops to transform my limiting beliefs.
The belief I uncovered this morning was the "Mother-Load" of limiting beliefs!
As I went deeper into my past relationships, I got a vision of my Mom and Dad.
I was conceived by "accident" at a party. My mom and dad were not even dating. After I was born, my dad's mom forced him to marry my mom.
They argued constantly and I assumed I was the reason. I believed that if I did not exist, they would be happy.
I reasoned from very young that if I was going to survive, I had better figure out how to make myself indispensable. I did everything within my power to be a quiet, well-behaved little girl. I did not ask for much. I kept most of my desires tucked way down.
I found out what I needed to do for my Mom and Dad so they would be happy. I became a chronic people pleaser by 5 years old, just to survive.
At this point in telling my story to Mark, I was in tears. He held me close and gave me space to cry as much as I needed.
When the tears stopped, we started making statements together...
My Mom and Dad’s ego may not have wanted me.
At a Soul-level, my parents did want me.
My Soul chose them to be my parents.
I did the best that I could to survive my childhood.
As a child, I did not have the tools I have now.
I know my Soul chose to come to earth and experience all this.
I love myself no matter what I have been through.
My love is absolute for me.
Today, I know that my parents love me.
My Dad loves to hear from me.
My Mom also loves me even though she still insists I come back to her religion.
I now have chosen family surrounding me that love and cherish me.
They know what I have done in my past, they love me for surviving it so I could be here now.
As I made these statements, the iceberg that my inner child had created, collapsed. I felt resolved and complete. I felt spaciousness, lightness, openness and joyfulness.
Sharing and clearing this past emotional pain created a spacious presence. Mark and I made love in that presence.
Mark said he has never felt me in my full presence like he experienced today. I now feel freedom, playfulness and movement in my body that I have never felt free to express before. I have released all the armor and feel only lightness and Love!
I know that everything I have experienced has given me the grit, strength, perseverance, depth and tenacity to push through the barriers I created from my challenging childhood. That is its gift.
Mark and I are quite practiced at clearing; we do this almost every day.
Imagine you being in a spiritually aligned relationship where you say:
He sees all of me and wants all of me, even my hidden hurts.
He is a stand for my greatness.
He knows how to take me back to the Source of my pain, resolve it and watch it dissolve.
He is my Spiritual match and loves deep intimacy.
He cherishes me, holds me when I am sad or hurt.
He listens to what is behind my irritation.
He invites me to go deeper and deeper.
He wants every inch of me.
Does that sound absolutely tantalizing?
If so, we invite you on the journey to find your spiritual match.
Lynetta Ann Avery